Liveblogging Safe Haven (2013)

See previous post for predictions and general review of this film.

“I’m staring wistfully out the window.”

okay so technically I’m wrong (and pleasantly surprised) about the opening scene because the girl’s frantically running away from a house. she ends up at an elderly womans house. then she’s suddenly blonde and in the rain running from some cops in a bus station and escaping by the skin of her teeth. buuuuuuuuut the next scene shows a bus going around a bunch of bends in the picturesque mountain roads…as she stares tiredly out the window…and the town she lands in is near a body of water so technically i’m right. No voiceover though and A-plus song (listen to it here) so points!

as soon as she gets to town, she meets her future love. He runs a convenience store.

the camera keeps panning back to the cops (the cop chasing her) from her previous town meaning they’re half the story and its only a matter of time that she gets caught…

ten minutes in and she already has a job and a nice cottage because elderlies ALWAYS have a spare BUILDING IN THE WOODS for the lonesome traveler who everyone knows next to nothing about.

uh oh she’s having flashbacks; i was right about the abusive/sketchy ex then…

nosy (SKETCH) neighbor snooping around her cottage…okay nicholas sparks, you have done surprisingly well with setting up sketchy characters/beginnings. i’m almost forgetting that she’s going to fall in love.

Katie and Alex (and his daughter Lexi)

annnnnnnd nevermind because she is already bonding with the love interest’s daughter (named lexi) and now the father/widower….did he get a name yet? ….wait what is the main characters’ name?! ohhh yeah right KATIE. his name is ALEX. (they just introduced themselves) hes gonna sell her paint and shes gonna paint her floors yellow (what? is painting floors a thing?)

shes walking home with sketch neighbor and they are bonding and shes obviously going to be important later…

heres this cop. again. already showing her pic around. elderly lady stays quiet

cancer. KNEW IT WOULD MAKE AN APPEARANCE. alex’s wife died of cancer.

alex wants to give her a ride home with the paint. shes like NOPE no thank you not today. i dont have time for these emotional investments. yes. be strong katie. (shes not strong enough to carry the paint however so she gets a ride lol)

uh oh music montage as she paints her floors (!?) and makes herself at home. “so you think you’re gonna stay in town awhile…?” HER SKETCH NEIGHBOR IS SO SKETCH. alex is fixing a bike. quaint music and-

OMG THERE’S BLOOD ON HER FACE SHES A BIG DISGRACE! just kidding its just on her hands (and also she has a knife) and shes panicking and packing clothes in a plastic bag and passing a random arm (presumably abusive ex) on the floor. and end dream sequence…

Sketch Neighbor (Jo) and Katie

…he left a bike outside her house in the middle of the night (scaring the bejeesus out of her in the process) shes so standoffish and i love it. shes mad (rightfully so!!!) and he apologizes. sketch neighbor tells her to just accept niceness…

Katie apologizes and alex passive aggressively accepts. then his son josh falls in the water and Katie comforts lexi while they rescue josh. so suddenly they’re even. katie keeps the bike accepting his niceness and her sketch neighbor- right her names jo- appears and smiles like “told you so.”

oh the cop is an asshole oh god hes a dick. theres a closed case with a chance of the guy being innocent and hes like i dont have time for this. the maybe-innocent person has three kids but asshole cop is too focused on katie and now hes charging her with first degree murder. “no ones innocent” he says. except that literally MAKES NO SENSE asshole cop. get your shit together. you are supposed to uphold the law

alex and family are going to the beach. lexi “NEEDS Katie to come” to the beach so shes coming. (josh does not approve.) bonding. bonding everywhere. oh the feels! hes taking pictures of her with the fam. how cute. uh oh sexual tension…

alex tells katie about josh missing his mother. Katie tries to bond but josh isnt having it lol hes building sandcastles.

alex and katie talk “Whats your story?” and of course that line would appear. “you ask so many questions…” and of course THAT line would be the response.

end beach trip. he is sooooo slick “oh hey yeah i forgot to ask how your floors turned out?” and katie of course invites him in to see. he makes a hole in the floor and “i can fix that” except sir only Sam can say that thank you very much

Holes (2003) Everyone go watch!

lol kate’s like “you sure can” 😉

>.> anyways…

the cops being an asshole again. harassing elderly woman who insists she doesn’t know anything

alex has a canoe. hes trying to flirt. canoeing date ensues. rain scene (I can’t believe I forgot to call it) and they are in a diner eating. ah yes theres always one quirky cute dance scene. this is so stressful because a random cop just put the lights and siren on and told them to leave and katies so nervous but its just alex’s bestfriend.

alex is trying to cope with josh not approving of Katie and goes up to what josh calls “HER SPACE”  and aw the dead wife wrote letters for every landmark date, how cute. (ie. josh’s graduation, josh’s wedding, etc)

flashback!! katies in the elderly womans house and cutting and dyeing her hair. and the lady just wants her to be okay…

omg cop. breaking and entering. oh i thought it was the old ladies house but its katies house. theres a blood stain on the floor and…hes drinking…OH and the lady lives right across the street! thats whyyyyy oh okay and this cop is WAY too emotionally invested (maybe hes the dead guys friend.) hes being very rude to the elderly.

and cue sex. and bliss. which means shit is about to go down. basement (sorry, that’s a habit)

but i was right because alex went to hang out with his cop friend and katies face is on a wanted poster.

Katie is leaving a message on the elderly womans machine…

and cop asshole is in trouble with his boss?

“erin?” alex calls and katie turns around because her name is ERIN

“its not what you think.” it never is. i don’t even know why we have to say that anymore in films. outlaw this line.

“I trusted you.” blah. argument. Katie/erin said she didn’t murder someone and that he was a man who hurt her. alex doesnt know what to believe. Katie/erin is leaving because shes over this shit (I would be too) and Jo tries to get her to stay but Katie/erin is like “just cause you’ll never make your way out of this town” jo is hurt…idk why. I prob missed an earlier detail…

apparently, asshole cop put up a false poster because its not first degree murder and the chief knows this somehow. apparently asshole cop is drinking vodka in his water bottle. apparently hes suspended now. apparently asshole cop “needed to find her.” apparently it shouldn’t be “this way”

OMFG ASSHOLE COP IS HER HUSBAND I CANNOT HANDLE IT. FOUR FOR YOU NICHOLAS SPARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CUE FLASHBACK!!!!!!!!!! dinner. happiness. wine and pot roast. love everywhere. she takes the drinks away, “did you think i was done with that….?” he asks, suddenly deadly calm…

OH SHIT. “no baby i was just gonna refill it….”

OH SHIT OH SHIT. hes not having it. for some reason, abusive ppl always seem to have a SEVENTH sense on what you were really doing. yo. he just smacked the SHIT out of the wineglass and now hes beating her and choking her and omg shes on the floor and the knife and oh god she stabbed him but hes not dead because HES THE COPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!

okay i take everything back.

alex realizes he wants her back and comes back TOO LATE and his head is in his hands and he just wants to loooooove her.

okay i dont take back everything.

Alex taking Katie back yayyyy

“if you stay, theres no safer place…” ew. sap. erin stays. dramatic kiss on the pier/bridge thing as the boat she was about to leave on drifts away.

ASSHOLE COP IS ABOUT TO BREAK INTO THE OLD LADY’S HOUSE. i am so terrified for her. okay hes just using cop skills, snooping. he finds the message katie left on the phone and goddamnit…

now hes driving and hes calling the number and WHAT ARE YOU DOING hes still drinking. and driving. heres hoping he crashes and never makes it (although he will. and theyll prob show him getting out of the car and the empty bottle dropping to the ground dramatically as he closes the door behind him and puts a gun in his pocket)

now its day time and hes still driving….and erin/katie and alex are happily having breakfast on the veranda. how lovely. josh and alex are having a talk and suddenly josh is over everything cause he likes erin/katie now.

WHICH MEANS SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE. things are WAY too happy. and the cop is still drinking. and luckily he hasnt hit any pedestrians. (some kinda festival is happening in town…)

oh god hes right there in the convenience store with lexi!!! lexi please leave. “have you seen this woman?” DONT ANSWER THAT! oh god lexi has brains thank god. or else maybe she really doesnt recognize the picture…he just left after buying a water bottle. THE STRESS. my stomach and my heart are not in agreement right now.

also, i was close because asshole cop still emptied the water bottle and poured ALL The vodka/clear alcohol into the bottle and tucked a gun in his pants after slamming the door to his car…

he SEES KATIE/ERIN DANCING WITH EVERYONE. oh god but jo also is observing from a distance. annnnnnnd now its night time which means more stress for me. and alex is going off on a boat AND WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT KATIE/ERIN BEING SAFE!!?!?!? WHY ARE YOU LEAVING HER ALONE JESUS CHRIST you just said.

yes. i am a metaphor for drama that will rain down upon you.

alex is setting off the fireworks OH GOD SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE because fireworks will cover up a gunshot, and fireworks are way too happy and whimsical and they will probably be put into juxtaposition with a really intense scene.

so erin/Katie lays down with lexi. jo tells Katie “hes here” and then Katie wakes up? so i guess that was a dream? or a memory?

she goes outside and i was right about intense scenes. oh god asshole cop is crying. THATS THE WORST KIND OF ABUSIVE HUSBAND IN THE MOVIES. “i wanna talk. i miss you so much baby”

jesus. mary. and joseph.

and yup hes getting angry about alex. AND HIS GUN IS OUT. wow she is really brave. she doesnt even flinch.

the fireworks are getting louder and more frequent…. someones about to get shot.

okay wait hes leaving……and she turns around to run into the house BUT LEXI IS GONE!! she finds her though and puts her in the mothers special space upstairs.

i think asshole cop is going to go shoot alex. theres the sound of water……….IT’S GASOLINE! HE IS ABOUT TO SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE. ERIN AND LEXI ARE UPSTAIRS AND HE IS SETTING THE HOUSE ON FIRE.

erin goes down. she immediately adapts and goes into submissive mode. “im so sorry. take me home.” she goes to kiss him but pushes him in the water INSTEAD OF PERHAPS shanking him. but a fire starts anyways oh god why

lexi is still upstairs and alex, having run back from the boat, scales the building and hes getting lexi out. meanwhile erin is being choked by her abusive husband. alex gets distracted by this and he falls down a level AND LEXI IS ALONE ONCE AGAIN

okay lexi is safe. but the gun is out and the cop has erin on the ground. theres a gunshot!!!!

and erin is alive…

I NEED A MINUTE.

I NEED SEVERAL MINUTES.

okay well so the cop is dead. and the letters from the dead wife are perfectly crisp and white and intact. josh is having a moment crying over his mothers space but i have no room to care right now because i am still trying to recover.

okay so the next day, its suddenly time to leave for jo. she needs to leave. idk. shes still so sketch. jo and erin say goodbye

in the next scene, alex gives erin a letter that says “to her”

yayy happily ever after. the end

and erins reading it. except its the wife’s voice out loud as different things happen and THERE’S A PICTURE OF THE WIFE AND IT’S JO AND SHE’S A FUCKING GHOST AND WHAT EVEN!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? i mean i didn’t expect that at all lol i knew there was something off about her but that’s pretty damn weird to just put at the end of a film like…what? (this article expresses my thoughts pretty clearly)

(this isn’t to say that he was genius for these twists/reveals…or even that it was a GOOD twist. lol just that they got me interested)

HA i just realized, its ending with a voiceover lol and now theres a sunset scene and the camera pans over the river/ocean so I was partially right.

and the ending song isn’t amazing 😦

and that is all. 2/5. lol don’t watch this movie.

Valentine’s Day

So to honor Valentine’s Day, I decided why not watch a Nicholas Sparks movie?

My literal face when talking about either…

As you can see, I chose Safe Haven. So I’m going to play a game. Based on the summary and the cover and the previews, I’m going to predict the entire movie. I watched this preview and read the following summary on IMBD:

“A young woman with a mysterious past lands in Southport, North Carolina where her bond with a widower forces her to confront the dark secret that haunts her.”

Safe Haven (2013)

My predictions: The scene will start with a voice over, a dramatic driving scene or someone looking wistfully out at some nice scenery (or any combination of these) I’m leaning towards a driving scene possibly in the dark near a body of water. Hm…They’ll meet, bond and fall in love extremely fast (despite her clearly not wanting to), maybe have a deep confession scene, and her secret will be revealed. She probably killed his wife in a hit-and-run. I’m totally just guessing. Or maybe she has an abusive ex. Idk but regardless, there will be a really dramatic fight when the truth is found out where the characters kind of just talk around each other with a lot of dramatic one-liners as though they are trying to win an award for “the most gut-wrenching, sigh-inducing over the top speech.” Then she’ll leave town or prepare to leave town but the widower will decide that even though he’s mad, she was his metaphorical sunshine on a marathon of cloudy days and he can no longer live without her. I’m not sure where the fire comes into play. It could be totally innocent as a result of the two children he has or maybe abusive ex? But everything will work out. Then, if it was a voice over that started the film, the camera will pan out or change scene and one will be talking to their descendants (the other of course will be dead.) Of course…this isn’t the classic young love tale so maybe it will just be their silhouettes on a porch swing or the beach. Ooh! A porch swing ON the beach. With doves. Then the credits will roll to a really sad song that is surprisingly REALLY good (the bad movies always have the best soundtracks. TWILIGHT ANYONE!?) Also, cancer will be included somewhere in this film.

Now, if I lose this game, I’m really winning because that means that for once, Nicholas Sparks didn’t follow his usual unrealistic take on love for this book/movie.

Don’t get me wrong, I love unrealistic films. Romantic Comedies are some of my favorite. But the thing about romcoms is that they don’t try to be something they’re not. They’re formulaic; they’re quick, they’re fun, they may have a moment of angst, and then it’s happily ever after with a last little snippet of funny cuteness tying it together with a bow.

Nicholas Sparks is predictable without meaning to be and I just can’t take the sap romance seriously. And as much as I guiltily enjoy The Notebook (minus the old ppl scenes) I could’ve done without memorizing:

“So it’s not going to be easy; it’s going to be really hard and we’re going to have to work at this everyday but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you. Forever. You and me. Everyday. Will you do something for me? Hm? Just picture your life for me. 20 years from now, 30 years from now. What’s it look like?”

Now I’m sure a few words are off but I basically have that entire scene committed to memory. And it’s not like this was BY CHOICE! Oh no, this is as a result of my friends repeating the lines and discussing this movie like it was the air that they breathed!! FOR MULTIPLE YEARS!! I swear, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the The Notebook was still being talked about to my great grandchildren.

AFTER THE FILM…

So as far as Nicholas Sparks goes…it has nothing on The Notebook whose actors I think really make it watchable and whose story was a lot more entertaining if nothing else. It doesn’t even really compare to The Last Song or Walk to Remember who, for all their insufferable mushy gushiness, still had consistency with regard to plot and interest. In Safe Haven, the characters don’t keep you interested because they lack depth and the film actually does get very entertaining/interesting but it happens way too late; it’s 115 minutes long and doesn’t get interesting until the last 40 minutes. It does, however, have a twist that wasn’t completely obvious so there’s that and I did think the ending was a nice touch (with regard to surprises, not quality).

I’d give this film a 2/5…the climax was pretty good but the beginning was so dreadfully slow and there was still so much cliché dialogue. AND the ending song wasn’t amazing which was what I was counting on. So overall, this film disappoints. I wouldn’t recommend seeing it, even to my above mentioned sappy friends.

To see spoilers, my live responses, and which predictions came true for Safe Haven watch out for the next post.