Chinatown Ending (SPOILERS AHEAD)

(See previous post for overview of film’s plot)

Because I can not handle the ending of this film and I need to rant talk about my feelings.

I’m always going on about how I like realistic non-happy endings. Seriously, I live for them. I love it when people break up and grow apart or when people don’t end up reuniting/reconciling. It’s refreshing. It’s not like I like it all the time. I just like to see, once in a while, a bad thing happening in a movie.

But this fucking movie takes the cake. omg

So Jake finds the entire plot out. Mrs. Mulray’s father, Noah Cross is the evil mastermind behind everything. But the cops have already decided that Mrs. Mulray must be behind everything and that she is paying off Jake to keep quiet and withhold evidence and such. They already found slight evidence backing this up and now they have Jake on counts of extortion and interfering with a case as well as assisting a murder. Jake realizes that he can’t really prove anything until he gets Noah Cross to talk. But of course, because Jake isn’t actually a spy, he ends up being taken to Chinatown by Noah Cross who is, after all, a rich man with a lot of influence and henchmen. He demands to be taken to his daughter Katherine (the supposed girlfriend of Mr. Mulray who is the result of CROSS’S RAPE OF HIS DAUGHTER EVELYN AKA MRS. MULRAY WHAT EVEN1?!?!!)

Everything culminates when Jake ends up on a street in Chinatown. Mrs. Mulray/Evelyn and her daughter/sister (this is so fucked up) are there, prepared to leave with Mrs. Mulray/Evelyn’s butler Khan. Jake’s associates/assistants are also there like he instructed them to be. The cops are there too because…common sense is shit’s about to go down in Chinatown (Jake was telling them about it earlier). There’s a sense of relief. Everything that Jake set up is falling together. Everyone is in the right spot and it is all because of Jake’s manipulation.

Except….no. Because the cops are leading Jack away without hearing his story and his evidence. Cross is acting nonchalant and above it all like the rich guy that he is. He knows he has the control. Jake tells Evelyn to tell the police what happened but Evelyn emotionally bursts out “he owns the police!” Cross approaches Evelyn and tries to talk to Katherine and Evelyn keeps pushing him away (all the while, he keeps calling her disturbed). Evelyn eventually gets into the front seat of the car and tries to leave. Cross opens the door and tries to get Katherine out, saying “You can’t stop me. You’re going to have to kill me.” to Evelyn. But she’s frustrated and terrified and she shoots him. He falls away from the car, she commands Katherine to close the door and then she is effing out of there.

The lieutenant fires a warning shot into the air, Jake pulls his gun arm away from the car but his MOTHERFUCKING DEPUTY shoots into the car. Luckily, the car keeps drifting.

except…

The horn is blaring continuously…

…

and it’s slowly rolling to a stop in the distance…

…

Then Katherine starts SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF. Everyone runs to the car. Evelyn’s head is leaning against the horn and when they open her door, she slumps sideways and you can see she was shot through her eye and she is clearly dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let’s take a moment…

Katherine is crying. Citizens crowd around the street, the Lieutenant just tells everyone to forget it and in the confusion, Cross leads Katherine away.

…

Jake mumbles “…as little as possible…” (And this is clearly a reference to earlier in the movie when he is telling the fake Mrs. Mulray that she should “let sleeping dogs lie” and be happy knowing as little as possible because it will only end in pain. and ain’t that the goddamn truth!!!)

The Lieutenant tells Jake’s assistants to take him home and he tells Jake he’s doing him a favor (basically he’s dropping the case since the supposed bad guy is dead)

And I just…can’t.

I’m all for realistic endings but Jesus fucking Christ, I was hoping that Evelyn had at least shot Cross dead.

LIKE AT THE VERY LEAST, I WOULD HAVE LOVED FOR HIM TO BE DEAD!!! EVEN IF EVELYN DIED TOO!!

OMFG THIS RAPIST/PEDOPHILE/MURDERER/EVIL BUSINESSMAN LITERALLY WALKS AWAY WITH EVERYTHINGGG!!!! HE GETS AWAY WITH HIS EVIL PLOT, HE WALKS AWAY WITH HIS DAUGHTER AKA NEW POTENTIAL RAPE VICTIM AND HE LITERALLY GETS AWAY WITH MURDER!!1

OMG A FOREST FIRE COULD BE STARTED ON THE EMBERS OF MY ANGER ALONE I CAN’T EVEN.

and do you know what the cop says?!?!?!?!? he goes “Jake…let sleeping dogs lie. it’s Chinatown.”

OMG THESE STUPID RACIST UNDERTONES ARE PISSING ME OFF JUST AS MUCH BECAUSE REALLY!?!? BECAUSE IT HAPPENED IN A POOR/SKETCH AREA OF A CITY WITH PEOPLE THE COPS DON’T CARE ABOUT, THIS DOUCHE LITERALLY GETS AWAY WITH EVERYTHING

JESUS. MARY. AND JOSEPH.

I need to be alone.

Chinatown (1974)

Chinatown directed by Roman Polanski, written by Robert Towne

Light spoilers ahead.

Chinatown is a detective, neo-noir film starring Jack Nicholson and Faye Dunaway.

It starts simple enough Jack AKA Jake (If I slip up, I’m sure you’ll understand) is a private investigator who gets hired usually by people who are trying to find out if their husband/wife/whatever are cheating on them. A Mrs. Mulray comes into the office and asks him to follow her husband to see if he is cheating on her. He tells her that she should leave it alone and that she’s better off not knowing.* She insists however, so Jake and his assistants end up tailing Mr. Mulray as he watches tide pools, stands near bodies of water, and participates in debates centering around building a dam and such. They see him with another woman and give the pictures to the wife.

Evelyn Mulray

The next day or so, the pictures end up in the newspaper and there’s scandal everywhere. A woman, who makes it a point to establish that she has never met Jake, drops the bomb that she is Mrs. Mulray and will be suing Jake and this was my favorite scene in the movie because it’s something akin to the scene in A Social Network when Andrew Garfield says “Lawyer up asshole…”

Except hers came first and is said with so much more poise. As she leaves the office, Jake pleads with her not to be so hard and she looks over her shoulder and is basically like “It’s not in my nature to be hard Mr. Gittes. That’s what my lawyer is for.” AND THEN SHE JUST SWEEPS OUT OF THE OFFICE AND IT’S MAJESTIC AND PERFECT. lol

Mulray (later killed)

Anyways, so Jake thinks that someone is trying to set up Mulray. He thinks that it’s really sketch (rightfully so) and he wanders the city trying to find Mulray so he can warn him. Except Mulray’s dead. He gets dragged up from a reservoir thing and the plot thickens. BUM BUM BUMMMM.

Jake embarks on a journey and to spare you guys spoilers, he finds out many details about many different people. He knows that someone wanted Mulray killed because he opposed the building of a dam. The city of LA doesn’t have any water (or so the farmers say) but there is evidence that suggests otherwise and Jake is trying to figure out everything. Read Wikipedia or watch the movie for the rest of the plot.

*I like how Jake says this and then throughout the film, he completely contradicts himself. There is even a moment where a henchmen catches him at night outside the reservoir and calls him a cat, wondering why he’s there so late and why he is being nosy. He gets his nose slashed very badly. There are many other moments that show that Jake doesn’t actually leave anything alone even though he would be better off not knowing the entire situation. So I really appreciated this bit of foreshadowing.

I think the only frustrating part of this movie (for me) is that Jake does not have good instincts at all. AT ALL. Maybe it’s just as a result of watching the Bourne Trilogy but Jake made so many rookie mistakes. Let’s review:

Jake Gittes

• He didn’t bother sneaking anywhere. Sometimes, he went places in broad daylight.
• He gave away his suspicions very early on to someone who CLEARLY wasn’t the head behind the master plan, thereby giving the actual head time to plan
• He let his emotions get the best of him, several times accusing Mrs. Mulray of killing her husband.
• He literally always uses his name. He never lies about why he’s there or what his name is. (only once did he lie about his name and they found out his real name anyways)
• He never records ANY of the sketch conversations he has with people
• THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE!!!! After receiving a mysterious phone call with mysterious instructions to meet somewhere, he doesn’t take any backup or ask anyone for help
• Once he arrives at the house, he sees that it’s been broken into. HE CONTINUES TO WALK INTO THE HOUSE.
• EVEN AFTER SEEING A DEAD PERSON!!!!! HE TOUCHES THINGS, LEAVES HIS FINGERPRINTS PLACES…..I can’t. My spy training (courtesy of Jason Bourne) has taught me to NEVER go into a situation like that unless you have surveyed the entire area and have mapped out at least 7 possible escape routes.

Despite Jake’s questionable survival skills, overall Chinatown was very enjoyable. It offers a good plot, a simple, believable premise, enough suspense without being too much and engaging characters even if you don’t necessarily like them personally. There is an unnecessary hookup but it’s Hollywood so it’s expected. BONUS points for the terrible ending scenes. And when I say terrible, I’m referring to the circumstances not the acting or the creation of said ending scenes.

4/5 Stars

(P.S. See next post for my reactions to that terrible-brilliant but TERRIBLE- ending scene.)

The Night of the Hunter (1955)

The Night of the Hunter by Charles Laughton

So in class we watched The Night of the Hunter and it was basically The Shining Experience version 2.0. Or I suppose because it came first, I should call it the original version. Regardless! Both these movies were similar to me and my experience was basically the same because they involved.

1. a murderous man
2. a dumb as dirt woman (or women)
3. a little boy hero
4. AND STRESS. TONS AND TONS OF STRESS.

Let’s start from the beginning. This film is set in the times of The Great Depression, somewhere in West Virginia. It’s a sunny day and children are playing. happy times everywhere. Then CUE OMINOUS MUSIC. The random group of children find a woman dead in a cellar. And then some weird guy is driving a car and speaking to God about all the women/mothers he murdered and it is clear at this point that he is fucking crazy. Also, he’s a self-appointed preacher. If this doesn’t spell out trouble for you, idk what does. But yeah he gets arrested because he’s driving a stolen car (and not for the murders of women.

Ben with his father

Meanwhile, elsewhere, a small boy named John is playing with his sister Pearl when his father runs up to him with a bag of money, telling him that the cops are coming (because he killed two people at a bank) and that John needs to take care of the family but that he can’t tell his mom about the money because “you got common sense. She ain’t.” -___________- Yes the 10-12 year old boy can handle the stolen thousands of dollars but the wife…nope she’s too stupid. Moving on…the father makes the kids swear they won’t tell anyone about the money.

So of course, the father ends up arrested and lo and behold, he is roomed with Crazy Preacher. (<that’s his name. remember this) Crazy Preacher knows that the father has kids and a wife and that he also hid the money somewhere and he schemes to find it when he gets out of jail (because he was arrested for stealing a car not murdering women, remember? his sentence is short.)

Meanwhile John and Pearl are living life with their mom…but there comes a day when their father gets hanged and then, there comes another day when Crazy Preacher shows up at their house in the middle of the night like a First Class CREEPER. He leaves though and bides his time before finding John’s mother.

Crazy Preacher is seen bonding with everyone; he gets everyone to love him because he has Hate and Love tatted on his knuckles (WHAT!??) and he has some stupid anecdote about how you think Hate will win but Love always does and he demonstrates this by wrestling his hands idk. Let me just say right here (again) that EVERY WOMAN in this movie is stupid. The mother, Willa, thinks from the start that Crazy Preacher is probably only talking to her because of the money but the old lady she works with insists that she isn’t a spring chicken and she needs to get with it basically. Even though Willa’s husband JUST died…basically everyone is just accepting Crazy Preacher’s sketch behavior because he’s a “preacher.”

Old Lady is stupid too and I blame her for most of the events of this film. She is the reason Willa and Crazy Preacher get married. John does not approve of Crazy Preacher and immediately calls bullshit. Crazy Preacher doesn’t like John because John sees THE TRUTH. Crazy Preacher keeps harassing John with scary looks and vaguely threatening statements.

Pearl AKA LITTLE SHIT immediately taking a liking to Crazy Preacher

Pearl, aka Little Shit, immediately starts calling Crazy Preacher ‘daddy’ and she is SO FUCKING STUPID I JUST WANNA KICK SOMETHING. There’s a part fairly early on where she’s like well he’s our new daddy so that means we can tell him our secrets and John is like bitch you promised and she’s like I like our new daddy and I’m just like -_____- you are too old to be acting this way. THEN another scenes shows Crazy Preacher asking her for the secret but Pearl says she can’t tell because of John and he GRABS HER ARM and yells “come here you filthy little wretch” and then she screams and runs to get to the closet but for some fucking reason, she still finds it in herself to unconditionally love this STRANGE MAN who randomly came into her life, demanding money. Up until the last couple of scenes, she still responds to his call and enthusiastically hugs him DESPITE him calling her a wretch or filthy numerous times. Pearl is a little shit and while Old Lady is the reason John’s mother gets married to Crazy Preacher, Pearl is the real cause of stress in this entire movie. The depths to which I hate Pearl will never be accurately expressed.

So anyways…shit begins to go down when Crazy Preacher rejects Willa and says sex is for procreation only and their marriage isn’t going to be filled with such nonsense (um what?) and so she becomes super religious (and crazy) and eventually when she finds out that he only married her for the money, she DOES NOT EVEN SEEM TO CARE. She even seems to expect the knife he pulls out and stabs her with and I’m just like……YOUR CHILDREN THOUGH. WHY ARE YOU SO ACCEPTING!?!? YOU ARE LEAVING YOUR CHILDREN IN THE HANDS OF A MURDERER!!!!! Ughhhhh…

Crazy Preacher murdering Willa

So Crazy Preacher tells people that Willa left a note and ran off (like ANY sane woman would ever leave her children with some random guy she just met so that she can go sin and have fun. um what?) but he really put her in the river. This is the part where more womanly stupidity comes into play. The old lady who Willa worked with BELIEVES THIS STORY. She totally just shrugs it off like oh willa that dumb whore even though I’ve known her way longer than you and I’ve never known her to run off like a harlot. The old lady’s husband is the one who is suspicious AS ANY SANE PERSON SHOULD BE LIKE THIS RANDOM MAN COMES INTO YOUR TOWN AND SHIT STARTS GOING DOWN BUT NO IT’S THE WOMAN’S FAULT. But the old lady is one of those strong independent (white) women and promptly shuts him up.

John and Pearl floating down the river like sweet baby moses

Meanwhile John and Pearl are caught in the basement with Crazy Preacher and John lies about the location of the money and PEARL THIS LITTLE SHIT goes – GET THIS!! OKAY? SHE FUCKING GOES “John’s sinning. John’s telling a lie.” The. Little. Shit.

And Crazy Preacher gets upset because he’s CRAZY and he’s about to kill John I’m sure. By the way, the money is in Pearl’s doll as Pearl reveals (and I suppose it’s somewhat justified because John’s life is being threatened) But John manages to escape with Pearl (I honestly would’ve just left her dumbass and taken the doll but that’s just me…) and he gets a small rowboat and goes down the river, stopping for food and/or sleep whenever he thinks its safe. Crazy Preacher follows the river on a horse. This montage of scenes shows how hard things were in the Great Depression, especially for children….

She’s not taking shit today.

THEN, LIKE A FERVENT PRAYER I NEVER MADE WAS ANSWERED, Rachel appears on screen. Rachel is an older woman who is taking care of three young girls in her house. She forces John and Pearl to come into her house so they can get a bath. My faith in humanity is restored immediately when Crazy Preacher appears- and PEARL RUNS TO HIM!?!?!??!?! – and he calls John and Rachel goes “What kind of boy doesn’t answer his father’s call.” “He ain’t my daddy” Rachel runs in the house, muttering “He most certainly ain’t. And he ain’t no preacher either.”

AND SHE COMES OUT WITH A SHOTGUN AND FINALLY!! COMMON SENSE HAS MADE AN APPEARANCE. SHE ISN’T TAKING ANY SHIT TODAY!!! (btw, I lied when I said all the women were stupid so you could feel the same sense of joy and shock and relief that I felt when she appeared like an angel onscreen.)

Crazy Preacher leaves with a promise that he’ll be back in the night. Rachel ain’t having it and she stays posted up at the window, shotgun in hand. Omg, I almost cried tears of joy. basically, Crazy Preacher gets shot in the arm or something and Rachel calls the cops/state troopers and Crazy Preacher gets arrested.

There’s this supposedly iconic scene where John sees Crazy Preacher getting taken down just like his father was in the beginning…and suddenly he starts screaming “Nooo. Don’ttttt. Dad I don’t want the money. You can have it daddy! I swore like you said and I don’t want to do this anymore.” (something along those lines) and honestly I really could’ve done without the scene but whatever. Crazy Preacher gets arrested and a mob forms in town when everyone figures out that he’s murdered countless people. But Rachel takes all the children home and it’s suddenly Christmas…? And they all have a merry little morning in their new home. The end.

Overall, I honestly found this movie pretty enjoyable. The characters were pretty static but I found myself rooting for John. I felt really bad for him. It was suspenseful and a bit fantastical but still somehow believable/relatable. The ending felt a bit too happy but taking into account the undertones and biblical references to Moses and Jesus and the young age of the protagonist as well as the time this film was made, it’s to be expected. I could watch it again despite its old age.

3.5/5 Stars

Liveblogging Safe Haven (2013)

See previous post for predictions and general review of this film.

“I’m staring wistfully out the window.”

okay so technically I’m wrong (and pleasantly surprised) about the opening scene because the girl’s frantically running away from a house. she ends up at an elderly womans house. then she’s suddenly blonde and in the rain running from some cops in a bus station and escaping by the skin of her teeth. buuuuuuuuut the next scene shows a bus going around a bunch of bends in the picturesque mountain roads…as she stares tiredly out the window…and the town she lands in is near a body of water so technically i’m right. No voiceover though and A-plus song (listen to it here) so points!

as soon as she gets to town, she meets her future love. He runs a convenience store.

the camera keeps panning back to the cops (the cop chasing her) from her previous town meaning they’re half the story and its only a matter of time that she gets caught…

ten minutes in and she already has a job and a nice cottage because elderlies ALWAYS have a spare BUILDING IN THE WOODS for the lonesome traveler who everyone knows next to nothing about.

uh oh she’s having flashbacks; i was right about the abusive/sketchy ex then…

nosy (SKETCH) neighbor snooping around her cottage…okay nicholas sparks, you have done surprisingly well with setting up sketchy characters/beginnings. i’m almost forgetting that she’s going to fall in love.

Katie and Alex (and his daughter Lexi)

annnnnnnd nevermind because she is already bonding with the love interest’s daughter (named lexi) and now the father/widower….did he get a name yet? ….wait what is the main characters’ name?! ohhh yeah right KATIE. his name is ALEX. (they just introduced themselves) hes gonna sell her paint and shes gonna paint her floors yellow (what? is painting floors a thing?)

shes walking home with sketch neighbor and they are bonding and shes obviously going to be important later…

heres this cop. again. already showing her pic around. elderly lady stays quiet

cancer. KNEW IT WOULD MAKE AN APPEARANCE. alex’s wife died of cancer.

alex wants to give her a ride home with the paint. shes like NOPE no thank you not today. i dont have time for these emotional investments. yes. be strong katie. (shes not strong enough to carry the paint however so she gets a ride lol)

uh oh music montage as she paints her floors (!?) and makes herself at home. “so you think you’re gonna stay in town awhile…?” HER SKETCH NEIGHBOR IS SO SKETCH. alex is fixing a bike. quaint music and-

OMG THERE’S BLOOD ON HER FACE SHES A BIG DISGRACE! just kidding its just on her hands (and also she has a knife) and shes panicking and packing clothes in a plastic bag and passing a random arm (presumably abusive ex) on the floor. and end dream sequence…

Sketch Neighbor (Jo) and Katie

…he left a bike outside her house in the middle of the night (scaring the bejeesus out of her in the process) shes so standoffish and i love it. shes mad (rightfully so!!!) and he apologizes. sketch neighbor tells her to just accept niceness…

Katie apologizes and alex passive aggressively accepts. then his son josh falls in the water and Katie comforts lexi while they rescue josh. so suddenly they’re even. katie keeps the bike accepting his niceness and her sketch neighbor- right her names jo- appears and smiles like “told you so.”

oh the cop is an asshole oh god hes a dick. theres a closed case with a chance of the guy being innocent and hes like i dont have time for this. the maybe-innocent person has three kids but asshole cop is too focused on katie and now hes charging her with first degree murder. “no ones innocent” he says. except that literally MAKES NO SENSE asshole cop. get your shit together. you are supposed to uphold the law

alex and family are going to the beach. lexi “NEEDS Katie to come” to the beach so shes coming. (josh does not approve.) bonding. bonding everywhere. oh the feels! hes taking pictures of her with the fam. how cute. uh oh sexual tension…

alex tells katie about josh missing his mother. Katie tries to bond but josh isnt having it lol hes building sandcastles.

alex and katie talk “Whats your story?” and of course that line would appear. “you ask so many questions…” and of course THAT line would be the response.

end beach trip. he is sooooo slick “oh hey yeah i forgot to ask how your floors turned out?” and katie of course invites him in to see. he makes a hole in the floor and “i can fix that” except sir only Sam can say that thank you very much

Holes (2003) Everyone go watch!

lol kate’s like “you sure can” 😉

>.> anyways…

the cops being an asshole again. harassing elderly woman who insists she doesn’t know anything

alex has a canoe. hes trying to flirt. canoeing date ensues. rain scene (I can’t believe I forgot to call it) and they are in a diner eating. ah yes theres always one quirky cute dance scene. this is so stressful because a random cop just put the lights and siren on and told them to leave and katies so nervous but its just alex’s bestfriend.

alex is trying to cope with josh not approving of Katie and goes up to what josh calls “HER SPACE”  and aw the dead wife wrote letters for every landmark date, how cute. (ie. josh’s graduation, josh’s wedding, etc)

flashback!! katies in the elderly womans house and cutting and dyeing her hair. and the lady just wants her to be okay…

omg cop. breaking and entering. oh i thought it was the old ladies house but its katies house. theres a blood stain on the floor and…hes drinking…OH and the lady lives right across the street! thats whyyyyy oh okay and this cop is WAY too emotionally invested (maybe hes the dead guys friend.) hes being very rude to the elderly.

and cue sex. and bliss. which means shit is about to go down. basement (sorry, that’s a habit)

but i was right because alex went to hang out with his cop friend and katies face is on a wanted poster.

Katie is leaving a message on the elderly womans machine…

and cop asshole is in trouble with his boss?

“erin?” alex calls and katie turns around because her name is ERIN

“its not what you think.” it never is. i don’t even know why we have to say that anymore in films. outlaw this line.

“I trusted you.” blah. argument. Katie/erin said she didn’t murder someone and that he was a man who hurt her. alex doesnt know what to believe. Katie/erin is leaving because shes over this shit (I would be too) and Jo tries to get her to stay but Katie/erin is like “just cause you’ll never make your way out of this town” jo is hurt…idk why. I prob missed an earlier detail…

apparently, asshole cop put up a false poster because its not first degree murder and the chief knows this somehow. apparently asshole cop is drinking vodka in his water bottle. apparently hes suspended now. apparently asshole cop “needed to find her.” apparently it shouldn’t be “this way”

OMFG ASSHOLE COP IS HER HUSBAND I CANNOT HANDLE IT. FOUR FOR YOU NICHOLAS SPARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CUE FLASHBACK!!!!!!!!!! dinner. happiness. wine and pot roast. love everywhere. she takes the drinks away, “did you think i was done with that….?” he asks, suddenly deadly calm…

OH SHIT. “no baby i was just gonna refill it….”

OH SHIT OH SHIT. hes not having it. for some reason, abusive ppl always seem to have a SEVENTH sense on what you were really doing. yo. he just smacked the SHIT out of the wineglass and now hes beating her and choking her and omg shes on the floor and the knife and oh god she stabbed him but hes not dead because HES THE COPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!

okay i take everything back.

alex realizes he wants her back and comes back TOO LATE and his head is in his hands and he just wants to loooooove her.

okay i dont take back everything.

Alex taking Katie back yayyyy

“if you stay, theres no safer place…” ew. sap. erin stays. dramatic kiss on the pier/bridge thing as the boat she was about to leave on drifts away.

ASSHOLE COP IS ABOUT TO BREAK INTO THE OLD LADY’S HOUSE. i am so terrified for her. okay hes just using cop skills, snooping. he finds the message katie left on the phone and goddamnit…

now hes driving and hes calling the number and WHAT ARE YOU DOING hes still drinking. and driving. heres hoping he crashes and never makes it (although he will. and theyll prob show him getting out of the car and the empty bottle dropping to the ground dramatically as he closes the door behind him and puts a gun in his pocket)

now its day time and hes still driving….and erin/katie and alex are happily having breakfast on the veranda. how lovely. josh and alex are having a talk and suddenly josh is over everything cause he likes erin/katie now.

WHICH MEANS SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE. things are WAY too happy. and the cop is still drinking. and luckily he hasnt hit any pedestrians. (some kinda festival is happening in town…)

oh god hes right there in the convenience store with lexi!!! lexi please leave. “have you seen this woman?” DONT ANSWER THAT! oh god lexi has brains thank god. or else maybe she really doesnt recognize the picture…he just left after buying a water bottle. THE STRESS. my stomach and my heart are not in agreement right now.

also, i was close because asshole cop still emptied the water bottle and poured ALL The vodka/clear alcohol into the bottle and tucked a gun in his pants after slamming the door to his car…

he SEES KATIE/ERIN DANCING WITH EVERYONE. oh god but jo also is observing from a distance. annnnnnnd now its night time which means more stress for me. and alex is going off on a boat AND WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT KATIE/ERIN BEING SAFE!!?!?!? WHY ARE YOU LEAVING HER ALONE JESUS CHRIST you just said.

yes. i am a metaphor for drama that will rain down upon you.

alex is setting off the fireworks OH GOD SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE because fireworks will cover up a gunshot, and fireworks are way too happy and whimsical and they will probably be put into juxtaposition with a really intense scene.

so erin/Katie lays down with lexi. jo tells Katie “hes here” and then Katie wakes up? so i guess that was a dream? or a memory?

she goes outside and i was right about intense scenes. oh god asshole cop is crying. THATS THE WORST KIND OF ABUSIVE HUSBAND IN THE MOVIES. “i wanna talk. i miss you so much baby”

jesus. mary. and joseph.

and yup hes getting angry about alex. AND HIS GUN IS OUT. wow she is really brave. she doesnt even flinch.

the fireworks are getting louder and more frequent…. someones about to get shot.

okay wait hes leaving……and she turns around to run into the house BUT LEXI IS GONE!! she finds her though and puts her in the mothers special space upstairs.

i think asshole cop is going to go shoot alex. theres the sound of water……….IT’S GASOLINE! HE IS ABOUT TO SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE. ERIN AND LEXI ARE UPSTAIRS AND HE IS SETTING THE HOUSE ON FIRE.

erin goes down. she immediately adapts and goes into submissive mode. “im so sorry. take me home.” she goes to kiss him but pushes him in the water INSTEAD OF PERHAPS shanking him. but a fire starts anyways oh god why

lexi is still upstairs and alex, having run back from the boat, scales the building and hes getting lexi out. meanwhile erin is being choked by her abusive husband. alex gets distracted by this and he falls down a level AND LEXI IS ALONE ONCE AGAIN

okay lexi is safe. but the gun is out and the cop has erin on the ground. theres a gunshot!!!!

and erin is alive…

I NEED A MINUTE.

I NEED SEVERAL MINUTES.

okay well so the cop is dead. and the letters from the dead wife are perfectly crisp and white and intact. josh is having a moment crying over his mothers space but i have no room to care right now because i am still trying to recover.

okay so the next day, its suddenly time to leave for jo. she needs to leave. idk. shes still so sketch. jo and erin say goodbye

in the next scene, alex gives erin a letter that says “to her”

yayy happily ever after. the end

and erins reading it. except its the wife’s voice out loud as different things happen and THERE’S A PICTURE OF THE WIFE AND IT’S JO AND SHE’S A FUCKING GHOST AND WHAT EVEN!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? i mean i didn’t expect that at all lol i knew there was something off about her but that’s pretty damn weird to just put at the end of a film like…what? (this article expresses my thoughts pretty clearly)

(this isn’t to say that he was genius for these twists/reveals…or even that it was a GOOD twist. lol just that they got me interested)

HA i just realized, its ending with a voiceover lol and now theres a sunset scene and the camera pans over the river/ocean so I was partially right.

and the ending song isn’t amazing 😦

and that is all. 2/5. lol don’t watch this movie.

Valentine’s Day

So to honor Valentine’s Day, I decided why not watch a Nicholas Sparks movie?

My literal face when talking about either…

As you can see, I chose Safe Haven. So I’m going to play a game. Based on the summary and the cover and the previews, I’m going to predict the entire movie. I watched this preview and read the following summary on IMBD:

“A young woman with a mysterious past lands in Southport, North Carolina where her bond with a widower forces her to confront the dark secret that haunts her.”

Safe Haven (2013)

My predictions: The scene will start with a voice over, a dramatic driving scene or someone looking wistfully out at some nice scenery (or any combination of these) I’m leaning towards a driving scene possibly in the dark near a body of water. Hm…They’ll meet, bond and fall in love extremely fast (despite her clearly not wanting to), maybe have a deep confession scene, and her secret will be revealed. She probably killed his wife in a hit-and-run. I’m totally just guessing. Or maybe she has an abusive ex. Idk but regardless, there will be a really dramatic fight when the truth is found out where the characters kind of just talk around each other with a lot of dramatic one-liners as though they are trying to win an award for “the most gut-wrenching, sigh-inducing over the top speech.” Then she’ll leave town or prepare to leave town but the widower will decide that even though he’s mad, she was his metaphorical sunshine on a marathon of cloudy days and he can no longer live without her. I’m not sure where the fire comes into play. It could be totally innocent as a result of the two children he has or maybe abusive ex? But everything will work out. Then, if it was a voice over that started the film, the camera will pan out or change scene and one will be talking to their descendants (the other of course will be dead.) Of course…this isn’t the classic young love tale so maybe it will just be their silhouettes on a porch swing or the beach. Ooh! A porch swing ON the beach. With doves. Then the credits will roll to a really sad song that is surprisingly REALLY good (the bad movies always have the best soundtracks. TWILIGHT ANYONE!?) Also, cancer will be included somewhere in this film.

Now, if I lose this game, I’m really winning because that means that for once, Nicholas Sparks didn’t follow his usual unrealistic take on love for this book/movie.

Don’t get me wrong, I love unrealistic films. Romantic Comedies are some of my favorite. But the thing about romcoms is that they don’t try to be something they’re not. They’re formulaic; they’re quick, they’re fun, they may have a moment of angst, and then it’s happily ever after with a last little snippet of funny cuteness tying it together with a bow.

Nicholas Sparks is predictable without meaning to be and I just can’t take the sap romance seriously. And as much as I guiltily enjoy The Notebook (minus the old ppl scenes) I could’ve done without memorizing:

“So it’s not going to be easy; it’s going to be really hard and we’re going to have to work at this everyday but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you. Forever. You and me. Everyday. Will you do something for me? Hm? Just picture your life for me. 20 years from now, 30 years from now. What’s it look like?”

Now I’m sure a few words are off but I basically have that entire scene committed to memory. And it’s not like this was BY CHOICE! Oh no, this is as a result of my friends repeating the lines and discussing this movie like it was the air that they breathed!! FOR MULTIPLE YEARS!! I swear, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the The Notebook was still being talked about to my great grandchildren.

AFTER THE FILM…

So as far as Nicholas Sparks goes…it has nothing on The Notebook whose actors I think really make it watchable and whose story was a lot more entertaining if nothing else. It doesn’t even really compare to The Last Song or Walk to Remember who, for all their insufferable mushy gushiness, still had consistency with regard to plot and interest. In Safe Haven, the characters don’t keep you interested because they lack depth and the film actually does get very entertaining/interesting but it happens way too late; it’s 115 minutes long and doesn’t get interesting until the last 40 minutes. It does, however, have a twist that wasn’t completely obvious so there’s that and I did think the ending was a nice touch (with regard to surprises, not quality).

I’d give this film a 2/5…the climax was pretty good but the beginning was so dreadfully slow and there was still so much cliché dialogue. AND the ending song wasn’t amazing which was what I was counting on. So overall, this film disappoints. I wouldn’t recommend seeing it, even to my above mentioned sappy friends.

To see spoilers, my live responses, and which predictions came true for Safe Haven watch out for the next post.

The Shining (1980)

So I saw The Shining for the first time ever in my Intro to Film class. I know, I know, what rock have I been living under? Now, if you’ve never seen The Shining, it’s about a man- Jack- who gets a job to watch a hotel for 7 months in its off-season. He and his wife-Wendy- and their son are there in the midst of snow and more snow and creepy things start happening. Also the son, Danny is psychic? It was never made super clear. A chef (he was psychic too) they met before the official close of the hotel called it “Shining” so….yeah. For any other details, consult this handy little wiki page.

So right off the bat, you know it’s going to be scary because of the music. And also Jack Nicholson’s face. (I still get war flashbacks to him making out with a dog…) Oh yeah and also because a previous caretaker of the hotel killed his wife, two daughters, and then himself…no biggie. And even without the common knowledge that everyone seems to have about The Shining, you know immediately that Jack is going to start some shit as soon as you hear that he drunkenly dislocated Danny’s shoulder one (or 2…or 3) years ago. I mean, you’d have to be pretty far gone to actually rip your son’s arm out of it’s socket….

Well…so…anyways, Danny has this imaginary friend named Tony and it’s never really quite clear what he has to do with anything. I mean, I know Danny’s supposed to be psychic and…shine…but why the hell does he have a boy “living in his mouth?” What does said boy have to do with his psychic abilities!? The cook never mentioned anything about a boy in HIS mouth. Why does Danny have one? Questions I desperately want answered.

Danny is going to be the reason I roundhouse kick my future child across the room the instant I hear them talking about their imaginary friend. Danny is also the reason that this movie is even remotely scary (aside from a few disturbing images of dead people). I mean there’s definitely suspense and at some points, there are talking waiter ghosts that give Jack (imaginary? ghostly?) alcohol but the really scary thing is the fact that Danny’s imaginary friend Tony is symbolized by Danny putting on this croaky…ET voice and wiggling his index finger near his mouth. And Tony is the one who keeps showing Danny things (the famous elevator scene). and calling Danny’s mother “Mrs. Torrance” like some creepy neighborhood child she never invited into her house. But he’s just kinda there anyways, eating peanut butter off a spoon while sitting on her kitchen counter while she stares at him, wondering why he’s even there. And showing Danny images of dead twins in the hallways. And sometimes taking over Danny’s body? ….I just really don’t understand Tony’s significance!! In this wiki page it states that Tony is actually Danny from the future (Anthony is his middle name) but this was NEVER included or even hinted at in the movie!

The other really scary part of the movie is just how stupid Wendy is. Wendy is literally the embodiment of everything YOU DON’T DO when your husband goes crazy and is hell-bent on killing you and your child. Ready?

1. You do not, after seeing signs of him going crazy, TELL HIM YOUR PLANS OF LEAVING THE HOTEL!!! You have literally given him all the information he needs and now he can prevent it from happening. And he can kill you. And your son. And just UGHHH

2. You do not cry pathetically and plead for him to stop when he says that he’s going to “bash your fucking head in.” You bash HIS head in because you are the one with the bat.

3. You do not neglect to tie your husband’s hands up after you have successfully knocked him out with a bat. And when I say successfully I really mean by sheer dumb luck.

4. You do not LEAVE SAID BAT and instead pick up a knife. (there’s nothing wrong with the knife but bats don’t need accuracy as proven by number 3 so why she wouldn’t keep both, I’ll never understand…)

5. You most certainly don’t FALL ASLEEP LIKE EVERYTHING IS HUNKY DORY AND LIKE YOUR MURDEROUS HUSBAND ISN’T STILL ALIVE LIKE WHAT EVEN1?! …How did she even find enough peace of mind to fall asleep? The love of her life has been writing “all work and no play make Jack a dull boy” over and over for literally hundreds of pages and somehow she still finds it in herself to fall asleep? Wendy was the epitome of everything I hate. I can’t even fall asleep before the first day of school and you’re telling me she managed to do it when her husband gone mad is locked in a freezer only 2 (totally random number) floors below her? Madness.

And can I just throw out there that they were literally living in an ABANDONED hotel!? Like at any point, she could’ve taken Danny and entered any one of those abandoned hotel rooms. And Jack would have had a hell of a time playing one-sided hide and seek.

Well…whatever. So Danny/Tony/ET comes in the room chanting Red Rum which I’ll never understand because yes, indeed it does spell murder backwards but at what point in time did Danny/Tony/ET see this word backwards? Why does he see any significance in even saying it? But okay. So Jack comes in WITH AN AX and they run to the bathroom which brings me to point…

6! DO NOT- I repeat- DO NOT EVER forget that windows are in fact breakable and struggle for many stressful minutes trying to wrench it open (in the middle of a snowstorm that clearly froze it shut) instead of just punching it or if you were smart unlike wendy using the bat!!!! While your husband is breaking down the door WITH AN AX and your 4 (or 5 or 6) year old child is racking up years of therapy.

(side note: let’s talk about how painful it would be to get killed with an ax. o.m.g. actually nevermind.)

That’s all. I could go on for decades about her terrible knife wielding abilities (she looked like a claymation character whose arm was in danger of flopping off) but I’ll spare you.

Danny, in contrast, was surprisingly smart for his age. He runs into the maze and realizes his footprints are traceable so when he gets to the middle of the maze, he steps backwards into them and hops off the path so that Jack can’t tell where he went. Now I don’t know how old Danny is but the kids clearly a genius because I’m not sure even I, going on 21, would have thought of that in such a stressful moment.

Overall The Shining wasn’t too scary but I will to this day NEVER stay in Room 237 in any hotel and I will not be accepting any form of imaginary friends in my house from any child of mine. And my kids will NOT be friends with twins or boys named Tony. Honestly, The Shining is just stressful and suspenseful. If you take away the music, it’s got nothing. I’m sure for it’s time, it was considered a great work but watching it in 2014 was underwhelming plot-wise. And this coming from someone who couldn’t even go to sleep after watching Prom Night. The cinematography is a completely different story.

lol 3/5 stars! This has been a rating by Emma.